小蝴蝶结又有心事。

逛校内的时候无意点开一篇别人推荐的日志，被告知我在该男的黑名单上。
感觉很奇怪。我甚至不算真的认识他。即使一直知道自己被他讨厌着，却从来不清楚个中原因。
记得高中每次走在路上遇到他都会被竖一根中指。当时觉得不过是一个脑残男生的幼稚举动。
每个人都有过青春期，每个人都在青春期做过一些匪夷所思的傻事。
我从来劝慰自己不必太在乎别人的想法，更清楚想要被所有人喜欢的心态是毫无道理的奢望。
但，如果说到今天他还一如既往地讨厌我，由于某个我完全不知情的原因，真让人猜不透是他的幼稚太过根深蒂固，还是我真的做了什么伤天害理的事情却自己失忆了。
当年被竖中指的那个我，完全不知道该如何反应。现在被放在他的黑名单里，依旧不知所措。
这件恶心又令人纳闷的事情，让我取消了自己今天吃东西的权利。

so, why do you suddenly wanna change your direction to journalism?
what have you done if you're really so interested in it like you said?
u know being a journalist is not really that fascinating a job, the pay is little and the job is tough. it's not like being an analyst in a bank, you may never earn what u can from a finance-related job. there're very little people that persist doing it, lots of my students just change to other professions like management finally. what are you thinking?

"it takes me four years to realize what i really want and where my passion lies."
这句话那么轻易便从嘴里说出来，而我却已经不能确认其可信的成分。
四年前我遵从了他人的期望，来到这间学校，读了这个专业。四年来便一直这样在抱怨和不得志中度过。事实是，我花了四年的时间去证明自己的确不喜欢什么，而真的想要什么，已经无法那么坚定了。以为自己在追求的东西，因为它从来只是一个追求而显得美好。而在第一次感到它居然变为触手可及的今天，i cant even convince myself. 假如存在“梦想焦虑症”这种病状的话，大抵便是这个样子吧。

all i know is, for the past of my life, i've tried my best to please the people i love. I did whatever i could to fulfill others' expectations, while negating mine.  And when I tried to recall for how long already i havent been truly happy, how long ago was the last time i felt really satisfied and proud of myself,  I have to admit that I'm so sick of this mode of living, eventually. It may sound naive to say im losing myself, seeing the fact that i havent even understood what the hell Self is all about. People all told me to believe them, believe their experiences and believe what they're offering me is solely for my own good. I guess i always have the problem of trusting. My inborn willfulness just cant let go of the thought, n i damn need to decide for myself for one damn time, even if ive no idea what it will end up with. One day i may finally realize how ive misunderstood myself about those artificial "talent". And very possibly i may need to pay heavily for my mistake and stubbornness after all. Thus for this moment, i can promise myself nothing but the forgiveness of my ignorance.
"you always gotta clean up your own shit."
why not bear it in mind and just go afuckinghead?

几乎是泪失禁着看完的。在简单空白的钢琴旋律中呆坐着。

她叫他kid.第一次见面，她抚慰着呕吐不止的他，拍着他的头说, kid, it's alright. 他去找她道谢，她让他顺手提两桶煤上来，看着他满脸是灰的样子，她笑着说look at you, kid. 他们便这样开始了恋情。

他们像正常的男女一样交欢。不同的是他16岁，她36岁。怀着不识字的秘密，他的朗读成为她感受这个世界的眼睛，成为她多年来略显无知的生命里，令人惊喜万分的一个出口。跟随着他唇齿之间的字句，她伤心地痛哭，欢愉地大笑。敏锐感官的大门随着他的朗读悄悄打开，而她却始终让自卑羁绊着自己的情感，甚至整个一生。她将自己的无知视为一种原罪，用尽力气暗地惩罚着自己。她以无知为由，小心维持着内心的冷漠秩序。

他是爱着她的，这份"不幸"的爱蔓延了他的一生。在那个甜蜜的夏天里他曾说：我什么都不怕。可他的无畏随着年岁的增长远去了。在可以为她作证的时候他沉默，在可以去监狱看望她的时候他退缩，在可以给她写信的时候他只愿固执地寄去朗读磁带。他的一生都在逃离对hanna schmitz，一个不识字的纳粹战犯的爱。他的爱情还在，爱人已死。

有人警惕大家说这部电影要说的不是爱情。带着中国网民一贯可笑的那种自以为是。
而事实上，真正饱满的电影没有理由被贴上各种奇怪的标签，甚至创作者都不曾有这样的权利。
道德，耻辱，历史，罪行，宽恕，忏悔，人性……可以被理解的东西有那么多，
而让我落泪的，抱歉，确实是爱情。

 

本打算在家里过个标准的宅女上网雨夜，你一个电话过来，我就飙出门去了。爸爸问有什么事儿么，我说没有瓦，就见一面。在想如果是别人大概我都会说不吧。照例是不知道该干嘛，其实我们总是处在这种“干嘛好咧”的状态，但彼此心里都知道就算没什么好干的，也没关系。于是在空旷的书城里晃阿晃，最后还是无奈地end up with仙踪林。觉得自己已经好久没有这样大规模地说过话了，乱七八糟，你的事，我的事。有时候想想朋友里面，其实你是跟我最截然不同的人。无论是感情，人生，前途，我一片混沌，你极其靠谱。我感性冲动任性，你理智沉着物质。奇怪的是对你说话从来不必思考，因为我的笑点你都get得到，我的破事你也都如数接受。朋友们常常同情或心疼地看着我，你只是会面带不爽地说“你的烟飘到我脸上来了喂…”。这几年来不是没有担忧过我们的友情，想到现在和以前最亲密时候的差异偶尔也会觉得一阵酸感。但无论以后各自的人生会走成怎样，提起你我一定还是会说“我最好的朋友阿，她叉叉叉叉叉”，因为在我心里，这是专属于你的不会被撕掉的label。

呃…没男友还沦落到拿你来煽情，我去面壁！

i typed several lines in the dialogue box, and shut it down without pressing the send button.

i guess there's always something i cant tell, dare not to tell, wont tell, or simply feel it no need to tell. words are not trustworthy, neither are all kinds of emotion. it used to disappoint me so much, and being too frightened to act, all i learnt is to escape, over n over again. the thing is, i never know how huge a lie im hiding from.

i ran into a line from the movie today, in which the man says: i affirm life despite everything.

it's so relieved when i literally looked into it, a truth that ive neglected for so long. ive never been an optimist for the whole process of my existence (maybe in primary school i was). But "i affirm life despite everything", not even really an explanation, does explain why im still sticking to this less than perfect world. Thus im determined to stick on, with the desire to stick better, with the smile everyone likes of me. :)

for years, people kept telling me to be realistic, to see things in a rational way, to pay attention to whats around me but not those outta my reach. i guess im too childish to listen. and im always paying for my fatal fantasies.

i watched brokeback mountain for the 4th time today, with the deepest inner sadness. sometimes i felt that even if ive minimized my hope and give up longing for anything, part of me still remained incurable. its been an eternal rain somewhere in my heart, which i can do nothing about it, and no one else can.

Happiness is the longing for repetition, said Milan Kundera. its always been my favorite quote. For several moments I doubt for the entire life, i will be searching for someone who can understand it as much as i do, even if it may end up with loneliness till the termination of life. i dont care how ridiculous it may seem, i just need this someone, holding the same faith with me, against the nature of humen being. i just need this fucking someone, even if this need will hurt me in an endless mean.

sorry, dear little emo girl. sorry for hurting you again.

1。

来，让我们穿上最美丽的衣服走在街头，爽朗地高声大笑，让所有人的目光注 视着我们，让我们真的叫他们忌妒。
来，让我们轰轰烈烈地经历一次爱情，甜蜜热切地在绿草地上拥抱，让我们的手指互相缠绕心灵互相抚慰，让我们真的叫他们忌妒。

2。

跟女人做爱和睡觉是两种不同的感情，前者是情欲，后者是相濡以沫。

Elizabeth Barrett Browning，十九世纪著名英国女诗人。年幼体弱，自学文学，38岁受到幼5岁男子的追求，获得情书574封，与之相爱成婚，著得情诗集《Sonnets from the Protuguese》。

If thou must love me

if thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
"I love her for her smile--her look--her way
Of speaking gentlely,--for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day"--
……
……
But love me for love's sake
...

爱我。
请别说，是因为我的容颜，我的微笑，我温柔的话语，我正和你的心意，抑或我为你带来的喜悦和舒畅。
爱我，请只是为了爱我。

老师说，
她已经没有年轻与美貌，没有健康的身体，没有一个年轻男人想要得到的一切。
这是一颗日渐老去的女人，缺乏安全感让人垂帘的心。它在说
——if u must love me, please love me differently.

初读这首诗，根本不以为意。
因为一切太过露骨的字眼都不是我的茶。
而课堂上的我的确被感动了。
为了那句love me, for love' sake.
为了这看似清高的傲骨，实则卑微的请求。